Love, a sacred form of feeling that I can never understand, or do I?
It was Monday today, and as I walked through the path, that led me to the situation where it is ough as the building of hope, knowledge, and aspiration. I listen to the humming of the bird along this river that I was walking through –deserving for me to bathe after school, with the dominance of Sierra Madre in the northern part of me. I walked until I passed through the loud noises of the fishermen, "Oh! Isa, pagkabilang ko ng isa itulak niyo ha!'' If I stomp by them, I know I will receive ample fish. I want to, but I don't want to be scolded again because of the fish I usually brought to school, like the past week that had passed. Finals are coming, I don't want to leave an impression on her –the teacher, again, just like the last time.
"Piyo!" someone shouted from the elevated sea walls built by the current local government; the blocks were sturdy, hence, practical enough to protect the housing from falling due to the continuous typhoon that struck the village. I looked up to see the person that was coming in my direction,
Geneve. With his famous hoodie, it was the 2nd week of the month, and yet the ocean's breeze was as cold as always; it froze me.
"Nakapag-review ka na?" I hissed silently when I remembered that we had a quiz today. I was busy thinking of what may happen after I lost track of today. I smiled and looked at him as a sign of no, always a no. I stared blankly through his eyes and looked away out of shame, for a million times, to be able to pass, I needed to copy his answers again. Just like always.
And, it's Valentine's Day. I looked berserk because girls love to leave gifts on my table; flowers, chocolates, cookies, and love letters were all scattered in front of me. Isda nalang sana o kaya bigas, okay pa. Why do they have to waste such money on this occasion? It's not as if I'm complaining that I receive this type of gift annually. It's just that I'm not interested in any of it. "Dami ah" I looked at Geneve as he stated the FACT. I gave him a faint smile and looked at his table, nothing. "Oh," I gave him a small box ribboned by abaca, coated by a newspaper and a bit of glue. “Akin talaga lahat ng hindi mo trip no?” He laughed and said his thanks before proceeding with his seat. No, it's my gift; it always is.
"Tara, after class pre!" I said as I pointed to the gifts I received today. Every year, this has become our hobby. We spend time together after school when it's valentine's day. I can't eat all those gifts alone. And now this will be the last one, and we will graduate high school and take a different path, separately.
"Kamusta?" I asked; it's been an hour since we were eating on the sides of the seawall. “Planado mo na talaga lahat no?” I smiled faintly as I watched the sunset. I even saw a starling murmuration happily flying free. I was blinded by the sight that I could no longer smile.
“Kuling-dagat” he whispered, “Pangarap kong maging katulad nila, malaya.”
I avoided his words, which somewhat struck hope on to me, "Doctor na talaga?" I faintly stated. He smiled, "Doctor na." The ends are far, very far, and unable to reach, but I know him, I believe in him. Geneve, a name sounded like the heavens, as if it were perfectly made to keep me sane, in this ridiculous ocean that kept throwing destruction onto my home. I felt safe.
"Huwag ka magalaw" I whispered as his shoulders started to shake, "Iiyak ka nanaman eh! Ikaw lang ang gagraduate ng una sa klase pero malungkot"
Skies are starting to turn a little red, a great symbol of today, not out of the lovely ambiance but out of regret, "Hindi mo kasalanan na may pera ka, ako wala." "Gwapo naman ako eh, ikaw hindi." I blurted random things to keep me happy because if I didn't, I would break. He's honest, he's the light, the art, he's the paint, and I was the empty canvas, the dark, the wrecked, but still, I'm Piyo. And that's what makes me unique, I am me, the one he introduced to me, Piyo.
Looking directly at the moon starting to show its beauty, together with this post light lighting the gap between us, I sight. I never knew silence was this loud, "Wala akong pupuntahan, di’ tulad mo, ang kailangan ko kasi pera, hindi pangarap." Overly staying beside him felt like a sin, but I will happily be put in Tartarus just to stay beside him; right now, it was the moment I will cherish, I was melting like a block of ice, but this feeling is a masterpiece, so I stood just here, just to stay here, silently.
A life with dull, monotonous skies is now trying to chase a rainbow, silently, secretly, sadly. I will stay, even just for today, for a minute. I will watch you smile, look at those unreachable skies as I stare at you beside me, feeling the distance between us that even measuring it through light-years is not enough. But I'm okay with that. Just thinking of us is heaven-sent above. Hindi. Mali ka, malaya ka, sa sobrang laya mo, kayang kaya mo akong iwan ng mag-isa.
"Gev, alis na ko." forsaking the route, the intentions, the promises, the wordless affection.
That is in another world; this emotion I'm witnessing is worth another shot. Different places, at a great time; be not afraid, just sheer bliss.
—
“Doc!!!” “Pasyente po, natusok daw ng biwas” my brow creased as to what I have heard. Bata na naman siguro. Siguro, I mentally blurted as the patient walked through the room with a smirk on his face. I can see through you how ashamed you are as I sterilized and prepped my equipment, that shy smirk. What did you do this time, huh?
"Isda ka na ba ngayon?" I asked.
I looked at him with his bearded face that matured as time passed, clearly seeing the old him, easily agitated by the public flocking on to him, and yet, a soft and wonderful person with me, always with that far-away stare, like I’m an unreachable star unwilling to fall for him, as I began to treat his folly, he flinched.
“Mahina kasi yung huli, malakas yung gulong ng dagat, kaya nag tabi muna kami ng lambat.” he explained, “kaso hindi ko napansin na may biwas pala doon,” he smiled shyly “Ayon, nadale ako” I languidly laugh as I finish what I was doing
"Edi wala tayong ulam mamaya?" I joked. "Karne nalang," he answered, slowly rising from his seat and smiling at me. You still have a low view of yourself after all these years. Now that we have the expense to express our love; you battled and never abandoned it; promise, as I stand beside my dream, I will assist you in overcoming your fear.
“Piyo” I called, “Malapit nang bumaba ang araw, umuwi na tayo.” In the province where I grew up, I worked as a resident doctor in a community hospital. It took me years and years of sacrifice, hence, I stayed because I was given the opportunity. Now it's Valentine's Day, and as we go down the corridor, I smile as people's eyes travel past mine involuntarily and look at him, salivating. Nothing has changed, as it always has.
“Geneve, bilis.” he boredly said. Eto na nga, sayo na nga eh.
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Written by: Jan Chloe M. Alpay
Layout and Design by: Dan Kurt Buenaventura
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